FInding myself

I've been avoiding myself. And everything that has to do with the real me. Thinking and writing, pouring out my heart. I just haven't wanted to do it... mainly because I haven't known where to begin. Instead I have been shutting myself off, throwing God a bone once in a while, keeping Him in a box so that I could conveniently keep myself numb to life. I've used medicine to boost the numbness, to at least put a smile on my face for the rest of the world to see. But something in my heart hasn't been right and it has been overflowing into every other aspect of my life. I am unreachable. I laugh with my friends and I ask them small questions, answering them in return. But ultimately? You can not get to me. I'm getting to a place where I can't even find myself. I'm listening to a playlist I made full of songs that created my childhood. I want to find me, I really do. So I figured this is where I'd start...

I just want to think about the things I absolutely know about myself and go from there...
- I am clumsy
- I have a guilty conscience (my face turns red when i'm guilty)
- I have weird health ailments and can't figure them out
- I have a crazy but wonderful family
- I want, so badly, to live for God
- I love to read books
- Bagpipes make me cry


Okay... now into the stuff i'm not sure about or don't necessarily want to know about myself... I don't want this to be dramatic or weird... I just want to figure it out.
- I can be extremely sketchy... it is often found out and I have an embarrassing track record. I am ashamed.
- I often think that I am too covered with sin to fully live for God. It turns into a halfhearted attempt.
- I often feel responsible for the older people in my family and I don't quite know what to make of that. I've given up mostly. But I question whether or not this is the best decision.
- I spent a large portion of my life not knowing whether or not I was "worth it"... i'm getting to the point where I think I am... by the grace of God
- I think I exaggerate and gossip too much.
- I have this view of my life before everything changed and I make it up in my head better than it actually was. I think my life would be different if they hadn't divorced. I would be different. But that's not true. I'd still struggle.
- I am scared of myself and what I am capable of. I'm smarter than I think I am. I have more potential than I should, and I intend to use it.
- I have been hurt. But I don't want to dwell on it. I want to pretend it never happened.
- More or less, i've always been this way.

A random compilation... yes... but this is what i've got. And something needs to change. I need something to click... to make me ME. I think God has the answer and I think He wants me to seek Him to get it. I don't think he'll let me know until I have drawn closer and closer to him, peeling back each layer of my walls. And to the two of you that will read this, sorry for the downpour of emotions, it had to happen. It may not make any sense... It doesn't exactly to me. Until next time... i'll be searching. I'll figure it out.

The Lord is faithful. I know that much.

Go & Make Disciples

I've never really thought about making disciples. When the word comes up I think of men in cloth walking through sand. I know, it's absurd. But for some reason this has come to my attention lately. As I get back into the swing of things in college life I find myself searching for friends to surround me. Friends to lift me up. Lots and lots of friends. Best friends. This unrealistic expectation is causing me to lose confidence in many aspects of my life. As I have many surface relationships, I crave the ones that shake my core. I have this vision that I should have people to my left and right to fully understand me. It's just not the way it works all the time. We are not called to be surrounded by tons of friends. Jesus wasn't. He invested in a small group of men and didn't think twice about it. Lately i've needed a constant reminder of why i'm here... so frustrating. I am not here to have earthly relationships which boost my self esteem. I am here to invest in people personally, in a time consuming manner. I am here to lift other people up and run back to the Lord to be filled up in return. Something that really bothers me about me is the fact that when I ask a person how they are and they don't ask how I am in return, I kind of get offended. I take that with a grain of salt and remember who they are. I am not here to talk to people about how I am doing. I am here to listen and love on others and reveal the heart of the Lord.

"God's design for taking the gospel to the world is a slow, intentional, simple process that involves every one of his people sacrificing every facet of their lives to multiply the life of Christ in others"- Radical by David Platt (if you haven't read it... READ IT!)

Desperation

On my knees, looking for God and hoping He will come. This can be a pretty wild experience... your heart splayed out, not a dash of pride left but a desperate hope that He will come. Lord, please come. I've always heard that the closer you grow to God the bigger of a target you become to Satan. I never thought it applied to me. And now I find myself begging to my God to come and begging to myself to leave. I don't understand it. I don't understand where I am, I feel lost. I know God has me in the palm of His hand but I don't know why my heart aches as if He doesn't. I don't understand what is going on and why I am going through this, only hoping that at the end God will come. He will come. I know it. I am waiting to be saved, all over again, and it's only Monday morning.

Spiritual Warfare

Spiritual warfare has never been on my radar. It's never seemed real to me. I really didn't give it much thought until I did work crew at a Young Life camp about 4 summers ago. We were preparing for kids from all over to come to camp and learn about Jesus and an older girl started to talk to me about how much we truly needed to pray for these kids. Such an easy thing to say... "i'm praying for you". But what she said next put an urgency in my heart. She told me to imagine angels and demons fighting in the sky over us. She painted a picture of our God's warriors fighting for us. Loyally. Fighting.
Moving into a house with 50 girls was not something I was looking forward to. In fact i'm still not used to it. I've been dragging my feet and kind of staying out of the fray. But then at church on Sunday the sermon was ended with "Join the fight". Immediately images of Angels and demons popped into my head, I imagined the girls in the sorority house. The girls whose hearts are being fought for. Will I fight for them too? Will I love them enough to put up a fight for them? God has been cultivating my heart to understand love. Love should be unconditional. Love should be brave. Brave enough to put up a fight with the Lord beside me.

My puzzle piece

I have submerged myself into a society that I never thought would be me. I have purposefully joined a club that i'm not always so sure why I really joined it. A sorority. When wanting to escape my high school terrors my brother would tell me, "Join and you'll be stuck with them again." And in a way he's right. But i'm also in a different place. My eyes are more open and I hope my heart is more open as well. I've never been a loud girl and i've never been one to jump up and down and scream when prompted. I've never really been a sorority girl. I've never really fit in with sorority girls. But as I have just moved into my house I am realizing the diversity of a "sorority girl". Some of them are lazy as can be and some of them won't stop working until they are forced to. Some of them are loud and obnoxious and some are quiet and wan't to sneak away and blend into the crowd. Some girls fall in between. Maybe I don't have to fit IN. I just have to some how fit. And maybe that's why God put me here. To fit. My puzzle piece that i've been given in this life doesn't feel normal. It has jagged edges and soft curves, a few wrinkles in the design but I know it belongs somewhere. My time in a sorority would be wasted if it was just to be a sorority girl. I don't think I really am one. But my time is precious if I live in this world for the Lord. My time is precious if he is the one providing the opportunities that he is. I'm looking around at the life that i'm going to live for the next year and i'm realizing... it's all going to be okay. I have the Lord and my time on this earth is only temporary, as is yours. Sometimes it will be stressful and sometimes I will want to pull my hair out. But I am here for a reason. Whether it's for a reason as small as telling someone about breakaway (a really awesome ministry at A&M) and them going and finding God or being able to personally share God, it's something. It's a lost soul finding it's way home. I can't wait for the encounters that this year will bring. I fully expect hard times and I fully expect joyful times. That's life. But I know I have the Lord with me every step of the way and that's where my comfort lies. I know that he created the jagged edges of my puzzle piece for a reason and that the smooth edges were personally smoothed by him. And his work isn't over. There is more smoothing to be done, more wrinkling to do. But I pray that as he works on me that my puzzle piece wouldn't become more and more normal but more and more unique. A reflection of His work in me.

Together, me and God.

All or nothing

TOMORROW'S THE BIG DAY! I move into my new humble abode... and by humble I mean there will be four of us to a room. Not a big room. But I am SO excited. The past few days have been a whirlwind of purpose... i've run more errands than i'd like to admit and actually my back is a little bit sore from packing. That's sad. But I feel so blessed to have a purpose this week. I have been so busy and so happy doing it. I feel very at peace with things... my one struggle is having constant communication with the Lord. I've always thought of it as a "quiet time once a day" deal but i'm realizing it's not... and I love to journal but I can't really carry my journal around with me every where I go and just starting journaling at the hair salon while a man named Stacy cuts my hair. I'm working on the internal dialect that I desire so much. I don't know why it's so difficult for me. Sometimes I just refuse to slow down and think. I feel like I jump from two extremes... over analyzing and not analyzing at all. Except for the moment in my whirlwind day where I stopped and smelled every body wash at Walgreens. I did over analyze that a bit. My point is I seem to be an all or nothing person sometimes. I want to be ALL and I want to be in prayer but I don't want to be bogged down by my thoughts. I think that calls for prayer. Perhaps internally? It's a start!

Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart. It was a long summer. During a 4 hour car ride full of phone conversations, cds, prayer and Texas heat I did a bit of deep thinking about my heavy heart and why I have it. I think i'm in a funk. In every aspect of my life. The frustrating thing about it is that in trying to get out of my funk i've been over analyzing every aspect about myself. Ranging from my personality to my relationship with God to my relationships with others, I am just so frustrated. I am a deep thinker. What that means is I am an over thinker and I torment my brain. My brother said to me today "You're free, you're always free, live like it". I think I forget that I'm free. I become a slave to school and work and what other people want. As a kid I would do something slightly wrong and put myself under the dining room table before I was even busted just to punish myself. Sadly, this still seems to ring true in my life. I don't know where this need to please came from. I want to suck up. I want to be as less of a person as possible to avoid hassling anyone else. All that results in is an empty stare to the people I come across. Instead of going out and telling people about God I have been hiding behind my own self. I am made up of about 99% guilt and it wears me down. Especially when it comes to my relationship with the Lord. See, I have this idea of what a relationship with God is supposed to look like. Sometimes that idea is extremely generic and when I'm not living up to my expectations I don't know what to do. At this moment I feel like i've lost my independence and freedom in God. I've given it up or misplaced it, i'm not sure. I just don't feel like me. Such an incredibly long summer full of motions and nothing else. The other frustrating thing about being a deep thinker is there really is always something going on. If all is well I think there must be something wrong. I know, irritating. I would hate me too. But lately I just haven't been able to crawl out of my hole. I haven't been able to stand up on my own two feet and shout. That's not who i've always been. Last summer I boarded an airplane to the Galapagos Islands by myself to go meet a group of strangers and explore. This summer the drive to Georgia, three states away from home, was enough to draw tears from my eyes and instill fear in my heart. Who AM I? Why am I letting myself become a mousy little girl without a voice? God? Hello? I am praying for my heart to loosen up. Where is my JOY? But I am also praying that I wouldn't think that I need to be somebody else. I tend to do that. I invite Jesus into my insecurities to wreak havoc. Get rid of it! If it's not about my body, it's about my heart. That's the Devil for ya. I know this isn't inspirational but atleast it's honest. A walk with God isn't always easy... I am blessed that he can take me through adventures with him that are very challenging to me. I am blessed that I hurt.

John 11:35--- "Jesus wept."

I pray that I will keep my walls down and keep weeping until Jesus shines his light on what is hurting me the most and release me.

I have a heavy heart.

Recap

Feels like it's been forever! I've been on an adventure through Atlanta for the past five and a half weeks and wow have I learned a lot! I came in questioning what God wanted me here for. I demanded an answer, I guess just so I could be doing whatever it was that he wanted me to. Somewhere along the way he asked me to just Be. He asked me to forgive my dad for hurt feelings between us dating back to my elementary school years. He helped me to continue to express forgiveness. He has prepared me to go back to school and live for Him. He has made me excited to make new friends and keep the old. He taught my boyfriend and I the difficulties that come in a long distance relationship and he taught us to rely more on Him than on each other. He interfered in our relationship to set it right, according to his will. It has truly been an amazing experience. He has put people in my life that I could have fellowship with... something I didn't expect to have here. He gave me rest and he also gave me peace. Yes, there have been nights when i've just wanted to go home... there have been days when I have no idea what i'm doing. But I got to know this side of my family's love so much better and to me that means more than just about everything. I got to talk to my 7th grade cousin about God. I got to see my tough aunt take her walls down. I got to watch my dad start building his life again. Thinking back on it I feel like i've witnessed some nature miracle, something beautiful. Really all I witnessed was heart, something that we sometimes forget is so important. To be reminded of the love that people pour out for you, even if you only see them every 6 months, is a really incredible thing. I will be very sad to leave... I don't know when I will see any of these amazing people again... but i'm looking forward to the next few weeks. Some precious time on the beach with my family and my boyfriend, a visit to my boyfriend's family who I LOVE, a few days of chaotic packing and then I get to dive back into life at school. My prayer is that I will stand firm amongst every one else who does not know the Lord. My prayer is that the devil will not trick me. We are only human, yes, but I have faith that God will take me just where I need to go.

Sudden death

It seems the last week or so my mind has been focused on death. It started with a woman getting shot in a parking garage close to where I work. The fear was intensified when an innocent boy was brutally killed by a terrible, unstable stranger. Then my boyfriend almost, and seriously ALMOST got shot. And then everything came to life when a pleasant boy from my high school shot himself today. Familiar feelings of losing my own loved ones rushed back to me. I remembered my close friend in high school committing suicide... i remembered the shock and hurt i felt, the anger. And now I think of the poor close friends and family of this boy who are dealing with this. On my way home from work Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw came on the radio. I used to belt out this song with my best friend Claire in 8th grade. It occurred to me that maybe God was talking to me. As I am getting used to the corporate world... wondering if maybe this could be my life, I faintly hear God telling me that I won't be full if I do that. I won't life as if I am dying if I sit at a cubicle every day. I think he has an adventure for me and I trust that I will not die until I have lived enough of the adventure... I look around and fear losing those that I love. How selfish of me! I fear living without my mom, my dad, my entire family, my friends, I seem to get scared about my boyfriend especially. I imagine life wouldn't go on... but then I remember that if I lost a loved one they would be going home for good. They would be going to live with the father who fulfills his promises. They would be freed from this tragic world. Maybe they could hang out with  my guardian angel if I have one. Why is it so difficult for me to let go of my people? The people that have been called home in the past week have been just that... called home. HOME. Where they will rest and rejoice in God's glory. He called their name... how amazing it is! And each person left behind is left in a position to turn to God more than usual and cry out to him. I'm sitting here in sort of a sad state, just in shock of what a terrible place this world really can be... but God is sitting here next to me. I imagine it hurts him bunches and bunches more than it hurts me. And yet he still loves each of us. Every single one of us has contributed to this wretched place and he still loves us. Take comfort in that.

This is the first bible verse I memorized... and embarassingly enough, the last. I should really work on that.

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you in my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10

Just chillin...

I hung out with God today. I don't normally understand how to do that... but today I did. I wasn't trying to, my heart needed to. We just listened to music. Christian music and non- Christian music, he drove with me. It's amazing to me how God can speak through music. Let me share a song that spoke to me today.

Why did this speak to me? The words "I wish you could see me now... " leading to "i'm not who I was" ring true in many areas of my life. The thing is, ever since I let God in, i'm NOT who I was. I don't want to awkwardly going around proclaiming it. If anything, that would be a turn off to my old crowd. But sometimes I do wish God could use me as a light to others that saw how I used to be. It's also a song of forgiveness to me and right now there is a relationship that requires forgiveness from both sides. What do you do when you ruin a friendship? What do you do when there are two to blame? It's easy to hold the grudge for both parties. I have held the grudge. So has she. But today I found myself just longing to send this song to her. I want to say to her... I'm not who you think I am, i'm not who I was.... I want her to hear that I was mad, I was hurt, but now I'm not who i was. God worked through some pain with me just in the short time I tuned into those lyrics driving down the highway with the music up loud. God wanted me to hear it. I felt like he was sitting there saying "hey, turn this up, I like this song and it really reminds me of your situation right now!"

I love the Lord. He always meets me where I am.

Dare to be different?

Most of us want to fit in. Whether it's the clothes everyone's wearing at school, what everybody is doing that night, or what everybody's summer plans are. Lately I have been challenged by wanting to fit in in an office. Every day I put nice looking clothes on and venture out to sit at a computer all day. The amazing thing to me is when I don't understand something or when my behavior doesn't quite match that of those around me I get embarassed. I want to look, talk, and be just like them when I am in the office. But today I want to challenge that. Aren't we, as Christians, called to stand out? I don't know just what this means, but I do know that God's plan for me this summer is not for me to go to work and fit in. I know there's more, I just haven't figured it out. When I think about talking to my boss about God I cringe. I know that it could jeapordize my job. But that shouldn't be an issue. I shouldn't be worried about losing my job, God's got it under control... I should be worried about losing the people I work with to Satan. Just a little food for thought to start off my day. I pray that today things would be different. I pray that I would rise to the occasion of sharing the Lord's word and not hiding in my cubicle so I don't look like an intern too much. Which, in all honesty, that probably makes me look like even more of an intern.

From a blazing fire to slowly burning embers

How easy it is to fall into th daily stride of life and accept it in it's fallen state. There are days that I feel on fire for the Lord, but by even a few hours I've lost the spark that had just ignited. I go back to lacking a spark. One of the most evident ways I see this in my life is when I have an idea to help the world, an idea to make a difference. My mind churns for ways to make it happen but moments later I'm focusing on my own small problems such as what I will eat for lunch or if my outfit makes me look fat. Time flies by and I realize that I've made no progress in helping humanity and especially no progress in sharing the gospel. Another way that the lack of spark is evident in my life is when I begin to depend heavily on other people in my life too heavily. I tend to lose the feeling of full satisfaction in the Lords delight in my heart and I lose delight in His heart. I get frustrated when the people I love aren't talking to me and I find little things to dwell on. I can feel Satan planting ideas in my head and it scares me. I hear that I'm not old enough to be doing the things I do and I hear that I cannot be equipped to do what the Lords will is. I hear that I am unloveable and lose hope in myself. I can go from a spiritual mountain to a dark and lonely place where the only hope I have is in people. There is something so terrible about the way this happens. It comes from a lack of time spent with him. Satan doesn't need much space to invade your mind and heart to feed you lies. I pray that I could build a relationship with more of the Lords intention and less of mine.

Tick Tock

Ever think about timing? Your timing, my timing, how about God's timing? How does it all add up? My patience lately has come from living with my father for the first time since I was 5 and learning about each other. Even more patience is required when I want so badly for him to see God the way I see him. I can get all wrapped up in how much fuller his life could be but then I have to stop myself. It's not my timing. It's Gods. What do we do while we wait? Do I try to bring Jesus up as much as possible? Or do I back off? Anyone familiar with the blank stare? You know, you start telling a story about something valuable in your life and the person listening just cannot relate at all. Has no earthly clue why that would mean something to you or what you're really talking about. I know I gave the blank stare my first few times in church. I didn't know the words to the worship songs and I didn't know just how I was supposed to act, still don't sometimes. Lately I feel like i'm sitting in a room of blank stares. I'm surrounded by people who don't really seem to know the Lord. If they do, it's not verbalized and I don't really know. Yes, this is a really exciting opportunity. God could really use me and shine his light through me. Or he could not... depends on his timing. But not having fellowship is also requiring a lot of patience. I feel like God's had me in a desert for a few months now... just me and him. And yes, it is GREAT! But sometimes I want a real, Godly woman to bounce my ideas off of. Someone to check on me and hold me accountable and wish that I would do the same for them. The ones i've found are older and already have friends to lean on. I know, God is going to bless me with a friend sooner or later. No, i'm not a loser for not having tons of friends right now to go hang out with... i'm just looking at this as one on one time with the Lord. He's put me in such a position that there aren't many other places for me to look. I must look at him. Yes, I have a lovely boyfriend who is constantly listening to me and letting me know what he thinks. For that I am blessed and would be so lost if it weren't for him. But lately, along with Caleb's encouragement, I crave a female, someone who struggles the same way I struggle... who plays a similar role in the heart of God that I do. Just my thoughts lately... it's taken me a while to blog because I wanted to have a great message to portray but realized that I can just talk about what's going on. A walk with God isn't always a walk through a rose garden. It can be hard and messy. It can require you to pull your sleeves up and get to the heart of things. While I feel extremely far away from thats that I love, I am starting to draw nearer to the Lord who led me here in the first place. I'm excited to see what he wants to teach me... all in his timing of course.

Let me cling to You...

One of the hardest things to let go is relationships. Whether it be your best friend, your boy friend, your sibling, or even your dad. It's nearly impossible to just let it go on your own will. Sure, you can build a wall up against that person and keep your grudges tucked deep inside... but what does it take to let go of your hurt feelings and most importantly, your expectations. What happens when you hold someone up to a certain standard, SURE that they can fulfill it, and then they can't? You'll find most of the time that they usually won't ever fill that expectation. I hold on to it. I am hopeful that things will change. But they don't and my heart is broken every time. How to you pull together a friendship that has so painfully drifted apart? Do you watch it go or do you fight for it? What are the circumstances? At what point is enough enough? And how do you let go of the fact that for each grudge you hold against a person... they may be holding one right back at you. Right now my prayer is for God's encouragement in letting me believe in him and no one else. I feel alone and young, clueless really. But I am supposed to cling to God. I am supposed to know that he is near, especially when I hurt. So as the tears flow today and my heart cries out, I pray that God would be opening a wound so that he can fill it with the right medicine. We live in a fallen world and truly we need constant reminders. Selfishness is our biggest vice... how great it would be to live a life of selflessness, a life where you were the one asking the questions and getting to know one person after another. How great it would be to pour into someone by listening and loving instead of talking and intimidating. Sometimes letting go is in regards of distance. How do you let your other half reside miles and miles away? It's not that either has hurt the other, it's that for some time things have to be a bit makeshift. But how do I do that without hurting? Maybe God's plan is that I would hurt... that I would cry out... and that he would be the hero that saves me.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine

The past two days have given me a chance to get outside of my bubble just a tiny bit. By bubble I mean direct family. I've spent the last few weeks hunkered down with my immediate family, playing with my little sisters and growing closer to my mom. Yesterday we headed out to Ohio- just my mom, youngest sister and I. And boy is it different! Tucked away in a little city in Ohio we aren't expected to be posed. We are expected to have heart. Coming from a city where everything is supposed to look polished I am not used to the acceptance that a relaxing day can bring. I am also given insight into great diversity. I often dream of diversity... how unique everyone is in their foreign countries... but I never dream of how unique each person in my family is. I find myself longing to have conversations with those I know are christians, just wanting someone to talk to about all of this. I also find myself longing to bring it up with those who don't know the Lord personally, hoping to save some sweet and precious soul in my family. And then I realize what God has called us to do.

"That is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation."
2 Corinthians 5:19

Why is it so difficult to reach out to the people dearest to my heart? Of course it spurs from a huge fear of rejection, led on by the devil. A lot of it also comes from doubt in who I am as a christian, not wanting to be hypocritical or judgmental. These are all good, GREAT people who have a ton of heart. I just am not sure that the Lord is important to all of them... so when will I be able to look those that I love the most in the eye and share the gospel? When will I be brave enough to talk about the Lord to my grand parents who have undoubtedly heard the word and decided against it? My only answer is when God equips me in his timing. It requires trust and it requires handing my reputation over to God. It frustrates me, not being able to openly talk about my father the way I want to. But I would rather wait until the Lord fills me with his words than try to force a conversation that would only push them further away. Until then I can only hope that the light that the Lord may shine through me would shine on them and cause them to look his way.

Jesus wants you to know...

Here’s what Jesus wants you to know:

You are my beloved. (Eph. 5:1)
I knew you before you were born. As my hands formed you, I whispered purpose into your bones. I can’t not love you. (Ps. 139:1-6)
I love you beyond human reason—even at your very worst, steeped in sin. (Rom. 5:8)
My love is contrary to all you know of “love.” I Love you “even though” and “deeper still.” My love reaches, pursues, remains. (Ps. 36:5)
My Love for you won’t walk out, fail, or ever come to an end. (Deut. 31:8)
No matter what you’ve heard or what you’ve come to believe, there’s nothing that can separate you from my Love. (Rom. 8:38-39)
I am not like people. So please—don’t put human words in my mouth or apply human behaviors to my character. You will miss me altogether. (Isaiah 55:8)
I’ve never ignored you. I’ve been here all along. Protecting. Loving. Waiting. (Ps. 56:8)
Your love of _____ (sin) isn’t worth eternity. I will break your chains. I will give you the desires of your heart. (Jn. 8:32, Ps. 37:4)
Please forgive some of my followers. People—even Christian people—will fail you. You live in a fallen land, where no one is perfect and all need My grace. Put your faith and trust in Me alone. (Psalm 146:3)
There’s no sin I will not forgive. You are the “whosoever believes in me” whom I will give eternal life . . . if you believe. (John 3:16)
As resourceful and brilliant as you are, you cannot save yourself. It’s by God’s grace and faith in Me alone that you are saved. (Eph 2:8-9)
I understand your pain and heartbreak. And my heart breaks with you. (Is. 53:3)
There’s nowhere you can go where my Love won’t find you. (Psalm 139:7-8)
The shame and guilt weighs you down has been taken care of on the cross. Your bill has been zeroed out. (John 3:16)
The addictions. The pride. The selfishness. The hate. The lust. The jealousy. The critical spirit. The greed. I can heal it. All of it. You can start fresh. Today. (Rom. 8:1-4)
I will forgive you. But only if you ask. And I care more about the “ask” than I do about the sin. (Acts 3:19)
I will not force you to do or be anything. I want a relationship with you more than I want to rule over you. (Jeremiah 31:3)
I will forgive your sin and I will forget it. That’s right—completely erase it from my mind. No replays, no record. Gone. (Ps. 103:12)
It’s never too late to turn your life around. I came to give second chances. (Luke 23:42-43)
I love you. Let’s talk. (Jer. 29:13)


I got this from my brother and think it's just amazing!

To Be Enchanting

Every girl longs to be enchanting. From the way she dresses up in her mom's old clothes as a young girl to the way she fixes her make up just right as a teenager to be lovely to somebody. I have a whole lot of women in my life who are great role models on how to succeed in this world. But when I look to my inner little girl I see a different kind of hero. Let me show you.

Meet the DREAM team. Laugh all you want, but these young women shaped my idea of who an enchanting woman should be as I grew up. First of all, they are just lovely. They are alluring and inviting. Secondly, they all long to be cherished. There is not a single one of them who has a full, happy heart. They all seek to fill their void with a prince charming. This is where I insert God as my prince charming. Growing up I could never find the answer to my questions... am I lovely? Does someone delight in me? To me, actions spoke louder than words and there didn't seem to be a father man enough to step in and say "yes, you are enchanting." This hole in me cried out every day, seemingly growing bigger and bigger in my heart as I searched to fill it up, make it stop hurting. But then I learned a few things about our all wonderful Lord.

1. He is my daddy.
2. "So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27
3. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 1309:13)

How can we even doubt that we are cherished? Can we really doubt whether or not we are lovely? The God of the universe hand picked you and I. Before we were to even walk on this earth he put us together, every detail down to the strokes of color that make our eyes unique and the tones in our laughter that set us apart. The same God that created mountains covered with snow, valleys flourishing with wild flowers, and volcanoes bubbling with lava created each of us uniquely in his image. Will your heart believe that? We are delighted in.

So I leave you with something to ponder. If the God of this universe created us perfectly in his image, did he not also create a holy and good purpose for us? We can either continue to search for things to fill the hole in our heart, only giving us temporary satisfaction, or we can let him in and experience his pure love and purpose for our lives.

Breakfast Buddy

Day two of my blog.... Today I started my day with a good time with God, laying out all of my worries. Taking an online class has made me a bit uneasy lately so i've been learning to constantly hand it over to God. I cracked open my laptop, got all my notes out, even had a tutor with me! I was ready to tackle my math tasks at hand. The ones due tonight at midnight. It was 10:30 a.m., I was ahead of the game! Sure enough, right as I opened the first assignment the internet kicked me off. What does this mean? I became completely blocked from this assignment. Without finishing this assignment, I cannot finish any of my other assignments, all of them due today. A very stressful event, yes. But as I sat back and stared at the computer screen, facing rejection from an online math class and wondering what to do next, I started to feel a peace in my heart. The stress started slowly seeping out of me and I was filled with this assurance that God would handle it. This is very unusual for me. My normal reaction is to full on panic, talk about it incessantly all day, and wait with baited breath for the professor to email me back with a solution. But not today! No, the problem still isn't fixed, but I think God prepared me for this ahead of time. He listened to me tell him about math and why it was worrying me so much and in my imagination I can feel him patting me on the back and saying it's going to be okay. It's a reassurance that only he can give, that's for sure. It causes me to wonder how different my days would be if I woke up and just laid everything out for the Lord. What if I offered him everything I have every morning? What would my days look like? This sounds like a simple task... just takes some discipline. But really it takes the heart, and that's where I would like my heart to be. Is it possible to make God my daily breakfast buddy? How close could we get if we met every morning to discuss the trials and joys ahead of us on that particular day, taking it 24 hours at a time?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." Matthew 11:28-30

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34


I still really don't like math.

The Desert

Sometimes we go through deserts. Never been to a desert? Picture this with me. Picture an endless horizon of bright, hot sand. Not an inkling of civilization in sight. Okay, now imagine trudging through this desert alone. Left, right, left, right, one foot after another in hopes of reaching the water. Some poor souls don't know if the water will come. Then there are the lucky few who believe in the source of water. The desert that I just imagined has dwelled in my heart many times. It's my spiritual desert, maybe you can understand. It's that time of life where God just isn't in sight. His work is not prevalent in every day footsteps and sometimes the walk gets so unbearable you just want to drop down on your knees and quit. But then there's the water, ah, the living water. John 7:38- "Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, 'Rivers of living water will flow from his heart'"In my experience and my faith the Lord found me in that desert, and sure enough he brought water to quench the cravings of my soul. And looking back, the desert challenged me and strengthened me daily. To have faith without the ability to physically see what you are believing in is an incredible and rare thing. To me, it's what makes Christianity so beautiful. It has that mystical feel, you know, that feeling you got as a child when you lost a tooth and gently placed it under the pillow, knowing, desperately hoping that the tooth fairy would come reward you for that tooth. Or maybe for you it was the anticipation of Santa. Being tucked into bed, 3 hours after bed time, just waiting to hear the footsteps of the jolly ol' fella. My scheme never worked. I always fell asleep before he got to my house. But I still believed with all of my heart. The kids at school told me to quit buying into it, santa wasn't real! But oh he was to me. Still is in my heart of hearts! And that's where the Lord resides in our hearts. He forever works in us, even when we can't feel him. It seems that the Lord delights in faith. Matthew 21:21- "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea', and it will be done'"

From scratch

My new blog! How excited am I to get started! Excited, but a bit nervous too. The purpose of this blog is to record a friendship with God... a daily struggle and a daily blessing. Why am I nervous? Because I feel like I have no unique thoughts to add to this world and no mind blowing statements to add to anyone's collection of little bits and pieces of life. But what I DO have is an honest relationship with God. At least, that is what I strive towards with my time on this earth. My quiet times, intentionally devoted to God, consist of a little blue journal that my Grandy gave me, a small brown and pink bible, and a few books to encourage me. The rest of my time consists of small and large reminders from God, showing me his many marvelous creations and what he created me to be... His servant. God is in the rapid flutter of a Hummingbirds wings as it gracefully sucks nectar out of a ruby red flower. God is in the rush of a water fall, roaring as it splashes the water below. God is in everything, really. You just have to look. You'll see. So this blog is all about discovering just where God is. In my life and in yours, whoever you are that has stumbled upon this little page.