Recap

Feels like it's been forever! I've been on an adventure through Atlanta for the past five and a half weeks and wow have I learned a lot! I came in questioning what God wanted me here for. I demanded an answer, I guess just so I could be doing whatever it was that he wanted me to. Somewhere along the way he asked me to just Be. He asked me to forgive my dad for hurt feelings between us dating back to my elementary school years. He helped me to continue to express forgiveness. He has prepared me to go back to school and live for Him. He has made me excited to make new friends and keep the old. He taught my boyfriend and I the difficulties that come in a long distance relationship and he taught us to rely more on Him than on each other. He interfered in our relationship to set it right, according to his will. It has truly been an amazing experience. He has put people in my life that I could have fellowship with... something I didn't expect to have here. He gave me rest and he also gave me peace. Yes, there have been nights when i've just wanted to go home... there have been days when I have no idea what i'm doing. But I got to know this side of my family's love so much better and to me that means more than just about everything. I got to talk to my 7th grade cousin about God. I got to see my tough aunt take her walls down. I got to watch my dad start building his life again. Thinking back on it I feel like i've witnessed some nature miracle, something beautiful. Really all I witnessed was heart, something that we sometimes forget is so important. To be reminded of the love that people pour out for you, even if you only see them every 6 months, is a really incredible thing. I will be very sad to leave... I don't know when I will see any of these amazing people again... but i'm looking forward to the next few weeks. Some precious time on the beach with my family and my boyfriend, a visit to my boyfriend's family who I LOVE, a few days of chaotic packing and then I get to dive back into life at school. My prayer is that I will stand firm amongst every one else who does not know the Lord. My prayer is that the devil will not trick me. We are only human, yes, but I have faith that God will take me just where I need to go.

Sudden death

It seems the last week or so my mind has been focused on death. It started with a woman getting shot in a parking garage close to where I work. The fear was intensified when an innocent boy was brutally killed by a terrible, unstable stranger. Then my boyfriend almost, and seriously ALMOST got shot. And then everything came to life when a pleasant boy from my high school shot himself today. Familiar feelings of losing my own loved ones rushed back to me. I remembered my close friend in high school committing suicide... i remembered the shock and hurt i felt, the anger. And now I think of the poor close friends and family of this boy who are dealing with this. On my way home from work Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw came on the radio. I used to belt out this song with my best friend Claire in 8th grade. It occurred to me that maybe God was talking to me. As I am getting used to the corporate world... wondering if maybe this could be my life, I faintly hear God telling me that I won't be full if I do that. I won't life as if I am dying if I sit at a cubicle every day. I think he has an adventure for me and I trust that I will not die until I have lived enough of the adventure... I look around and fear losing those that I love. How selfish of me! I fear living without my mom, my dad, my entire family, my friends, I seem to get scared about my boyfriend especially. I imagine life wouldn't go on... but then I remember that if I lost a loved one they would be going home for good. They would be going to live with the father who fulfills his promises. They would be freed from this tragic world. Maybe they could hang out with  my guardian angel if I have one. Why is it so difficult for me to let go of my people? The people that have been called home in the past week have been just that... called home. HOME. Where they will rest and rejoice in God's glory. He called their name... how amazing it is! And each person left behind is left in a position to turn to God more than usual and cry out to him. I'm sitting here in sort of a sad state, just in shock of what a terrible place this world really can be... but God is sitting here next to me. I imagine it hurts him bunches and bunches more than it hurts me. And yet he still loves each of us. Every single one of us has contributed to this wretched place and he still loves us. Take comfort in that.

This is the first bible verse I memorized... and embarassingly enough, the last. I should really work on that.

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you in my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10

Just chillin...

I hung out with God today. I don't normally understand how to do that... but today I did. I wasn't trying to, my heart needed to. We just listened to music. Christian music and non- Christian music, he drove with me. It's amazing to me how God can speak through music. Let me share a song that spoke to me today.

Why did this speak to me? The words "I wish you could see me now... " leading to "i'm not who I was" ring true in many areas of my life. The thing is, ever since I let God in, i'm NOT who I was. I don't want to awkwardly going around proclaiming it. If anything, that would be a turn off to my old crowd. But sometimes I do wish God could use me as a light to others that saw how I used to be. It's also a song of forgiveness to me and right now there is a relationship that requires forgiveness from both sides. What do you do when you ruin a friendship? What do you do when there are two to blame? It's easy to hold the grudge for both parties. I have held the grudge. So has she. But today I found myself just longing to send this song to her. I want to say to her... I'm not who you think I am, i'm not who I was.... I want her to hear that I was mad, I was hurt, but now I'm not who i was. God worked through some pain with me just in the short time I tuned into those lyrics driving down the highway with the music up loud. God wanted me to hear it. I felt like he was sitting there saying "hey, turn this up, I like this song and it really reminds me of your situation right now!"

I love the Lord. He always meets me where I am.

Dare to be different?

Most of us want to fit in. Whether it's the clothes everyone's wearing at school, what everybody is doing that night, or what everybody's summer plans are. Lately I have been challenged by wanting to fit in in an office. Every day I put nice looking clothes on and venture out to sit at a computer all day. The amazing thing to me is when I don't understand something or when my behavior doesn't quite match that of those around me I get embarassed. I want to look, talk, and be just like them when I am in the office. But today I want to challenge that. Aren't we, as Christians, called to stand out? I don't know just what this means, but I do know that God's plan for me this summer is not for me to go to work and fit in. I know there's more, I just haven't figured it out. When I think about talking to my boss about God I cringe. I know that it could jeapordize my job. But that shouldn't be an issue. I shouldn't be worried about losing my job, God's got it under control... I should be worried about losing the people I work with to Satan. Just a little food for thought to start off my day. I pray that today things would be different. I pray that I would rise to the occasion of sharing the Lord's word and not hiding in my cubicle so I don't look like an intern too much. Which, in all honesty, that probably makes me look like even more of an intern.

From a blazing fire to slowly burning embers

How easy it is to fall into th daily stride of life and accept it in it's fallen state. There are days that I feel on fire for the Lord, but by even a few hours I've lost the spark that had just ignited. I go back to lacking a spark. One of the most evident ways I see this in my life is when I have an idea to help the world, an idea to make a difference. My mind churns for ways to make it happen but moments later I'm focusing on my own small problems such as what I will eat for lunch or if my outfit makes me look fat. Time flies by and I realize that I've made no progress in helping humanity and especially no progress in sharing the gospel. Another way that the lack of spark is evident in my life is when I begin to depend heavily on other people in my life too heavily. I tend to lose the feeling of full satisfaction in the Lords delight in my heart and I lose delight in His heart. I get frustrated when the people I love aren't talking to me and I find little things to dwell on. I can feel Satan planting ideas in my head and it scares me. I hear that I'm not old enough to be doing the things I do and I hear that I cannot be equipped to do what the Lords will is. I hear that I am unloveable and lose hope in myself. I can go from a spiritual mountain to a dark and lonely place where the only hope I have is in people. There is something so terrible about the way this happens. It comes from a lack of time spent with him. Satan doesn't need much space to invade your mind and heart to feed you lies. I pray that I could build a relationship with more of the Lords intention and less of mine.