Sudden death

It seems the last week or so my mind has been focused on death. It started with a woman getting shot in a parking garage close to where I work. The fear was intensified when an innocent boy was brutally killed by a terrible, unstable stranger. Then my boyfriend almost, and seriously ALMOST got shot. And then everything came to life when a pleasant boy from my high school shot himself today. Familiar feelings of losing my own loved ones rushed back to me. I remembered my close friend in high school committing suicide... i remembered the shock and hurt i felt, the anger. And now I think of the poor close friends and family of this boy who are dealing with this. On my way home from work Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw came on the radio. I used to belt out this song with my best friend Claire in 8th grade. It occurred to me that maybe God was talking to me. As I am getting used to the corporate world... wondering if maybe this could be my life, I faintly hear God telling me that I won't be full if I do that. I won't life as if I am dying if I sit at a cubicle every day. I think he has an adventure for me and I trust that I will not die until I have lived enough of the adventure... I look around and fear losing those that I love. How selfish of me! I fear living without my mom, my dad, my entire family, my friends, I seem to get scared about my boyfriend especially. I imagine life wouldn't go on... but then I remember that if I lost a loved one they would be going home for good. They would be going to live with the father who fulfills his promises. They would be freed from this tragic world. Maybe they could hang out with  my guardian angel if I have one. Why is it so difficult for me to let go of my people? The people that have been called home in the past week have been just that... called home. HOME. Where they will rest and rejoice in God's glory. He called their name... how amazing it is! And each person left behind is left in a position to turn to God more than usual and cry out to him. I'm sitting here in sort of a sad state, just in shock of what a terrible place this world really can be... but God is sitting here next to me. I imagine it hurts him bunches and bunches more than it hurts me. And yet he still loves each of us. Every single one of us has contributed to this wretched place and he still loves us. Take comfort in that.

This is the first bible verse I memorized... and embarassingly enough, the last. I should really work on that.

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you in my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10