I've been avoiding myself. And everything that has to do with the real me. Thinking and writing, pouring out my heart. I just haven't wanted to do it... mainly because I haven't known where to begin. Instead I have been shutting myself off, throwing God a bone once in a while, keeping Him in a box so that I could conveniently keep myself numb to life. I've used medicine to boost the numbness, to at least put a smile on my face for the rest of the world to see. But something in my heart hasn't been right and it has been overflowing into every other aspect of my life. I am unreachable. I laugh with my friends and I ask them small questions, answering them in return. But ultimately? You can not get to me. I'm getting to a place where I can't even find myself. I'm listening to a playlist I made full of songs that created my childhood. I want to find me, I really do. So I figured this is where I'd start...
I just want to think about the things I absolutely know about myself and go from there...
- I am clumsy
- I have a guilty conscience (my face turns red when i'm guilty)
- I have weird health ailments and can't figure them out
- I have a crazy but wonderful family
- I want, so badly, to live for God
- I love to read books
- Bagpipes make me cry
Okay... now into the stuff i'm not sure about or don't necessarily want to know about myself... I don't want this to be dramatic or weird... I just want to figure it out.
- I can be extremely sketchy... it is often found out and I have an embarrassing track record. I am ashamed.
- I often think that I am too covered with sin to fully live for God. It turns into a halfhearted attempt.
- I often feel responsible for the older people in my family and I don't quite know what to make of that. I've given up mostly. But I question whether or not this is the best decision.
- I spent a large portion of my life not knowing whether or not I was "worth it"... i'm getting to the point where I think I am... by the grace of God
- I think I exaggerate and gossip too much.
- I have this view of my life before everything changed and I make it up in my head better than it actually was. I think my life would be different if they hadn't divorced. I would be different. But that's not true. I'd still struggle.
- I am scared of myself and what I am capable of. I'm smarter than I think I am. I have more potential than I should, and I intend to use it.
- I have been hurt. But I don't want to dwell on it. I want to pretend it never happened.
- More or less, i've always been this way.
A random compilation... yes... but this is what i've got. And something needs to change. I need something to click... to make me ME. I think God has the answer and I think He wants me to seek Him to get it. I don't think he'll let me know until I have drawn closer and closer to him, peeling back each layer of my walls. And to the two of you that will read this, sorry for the downpour of emotions, it had to happen. It may not make any sense... It doesn't exactly to me. Until next time... i'll be searching. I'll figure it out.
The Lord is faithful. I know that much.
