Yield

hello little blog!
here's what you've missed: I went through a phase of not wanting a blog in the midst of a small panic attack I had regarding my life. I was bored. And I felt really emotional and "trying to be artsy" for having a blog. Then I decided to screw it. I'd keep the blog.
I'm currently interning with West Houston Young Life. I really like it! I've been challenged to dive deeper into a relationship with God on a day to day basis... not in a camp setting or even in college, but at home. Even harder. So God has been challenging me to read his word and communicate with him and he takes, as much as he can at a time, a piece of my heart. I know the process is gradual because I can feel it. And then there are the days when I can't. That's when I know that I should bend my heart further towards the Lord.
"Now then," said Joshua, "throw away the foreign gods that are among you and yield your hearts to the Lord, the God of Israel." Joshua 24:22
The synonyms of yield are: bow, cave (in), give in, submit, succumb, surrender
So I am now thinking of the ways that I can yield my heart to God in my very own personal ways. I'm finding that I can yield my heart to him in many ways, even as I admire the murky and somehow bright color of the sky before it turns completely dark. 

I wish I made more time for you, little blog. I don't get to talk to you enough. Lately I've been learning a bit about the old testament and I've been blown away by the characteristics of God that I've been able to see... such as his desire for us to know and remember the history of Himself and us. We turn away from God in a different way than those in the old testament did. Times were different, distractions were different, life was just altogether not the same. For some reason I've always allowed this to be my excuse to not push myself to learn more about the "old version of God"... What I've discovered is that although today we exist in a different world than the Israelites, we are very similar. I think if I experienced the parting of the red sea- literally walking between two walls of water- I would never doubt the Lord. But I think back to all of the miracles that the Lord has performed in my life that I can't even remember. The intimate, meaningful gifts that he has handpicked for me. There were times I swore I'd never forget the sovereignty he has because of the peace I had, or because of the way life fell into place. It seems that we can't be content for any extended period of time. At least I've found that I can't.  I go from rubbing my arms with goosebumps because I feel the Lord's presence to doubting his plan for my life within minutes. I think that if only he would do something so big as parting the red sea for me, then I would never forget. But in all honesty, I don't think I would've been any better than any of the Israelites. I've even noticed in my worldly relationships that I simply cannot trust anyone. I cannot settle for what is promised. At some point, I took the bite out of my own apple in the Garden of Eden. My sense of shame, doubt, and mistrust formed. Are we not all this way? Our God sent his only son- literally, his son- to bridge the gap. But for whatever reason, there are so many moments that I just can't understand why someone would do that for me or why I should trust it. Time and time again I fall to the conclusion that we are a broken people and that we desperately need God in every single second of every single day, but it is so hard to follow through.

Lord, place your hand over my insecurities. Rescue us from a broken world.

Dust

This weekend I had the incredible privilege of spending 30 hours learning about the Lord. Typically I wouldn't peg a "women's retreat" as my style really, but since my whole house was going I figured it could be fun. My expectations were completely exceeded. The worship was holistic, the messages were inspiring and the time in small groups just seemed wise. There were many moments where my face turned bright red and my heart just about jumped out of me as I prepared to share something intimate with my small group. It just felt good to talk and feel like maybe people really do care about my spirituality and maybe I can really care about others' spiritual thoughts. The collection of small group leaders was incredible- talk about an eclectic group from all over the place. No two of them were the same... they were all so quirky, full of Christ and clearly comfortable in their skin. I didn't feel like I was in the presence of the church goers that tend to make me yawn, I felt like I was in the presence of the people maybe God would want to hang out with... the funny ones who can be laughing one minute and crying with compassion the next. I admire them and find myself wanting to be like them. But most of all, I just have a desire to know Christ more. The next few days will be characterized by all that I learned the past day and a half... I will be doing some serious thinking, praying, acting, loving, and resting. It's all I want to do really... I'm skipping church tomorrow just to hang out with God. I guess it's like playing hookie with him. And I just love the idea that I feel liberated to do that- I feel liberated to skip church to hang out with God. How fulfilling to just want to be in his presence by myself, not feeling like I need a message to spur me on but to want more time to just hash some things out with him. I've realized that I have something similar to a rubber band ball in the center of my heart. Over the past few years, very slowly, rubber bands have been pulled off to leave me with a smaller ball. But i've realized it is time to entirely get rid of my rubber band ball of raw pain. I am finally feeling ready to look my pains and convictions in the eye and battle them with God next to me. This is probably a result of all of the times we stood in "warrior pose" in yoga today. Talk about an experience outside of my comfort zone!

I look forward to the hours ahead with full knowledge that they will be sweet. My heart rejoices as I realize that my "camp friends" that I would typically miss are my room mates. My retreat buddies are some of my closest friends and I am so blessed to have had this time to grow with them. I can't wait to do life with them and continue learning along side them. More to come about the content of the retreat later :) It's late and I'm tired.