Tick Tock

Ever think about timing? Your timing, my timing, how about God's timing? How does it all add up? My patience lately has come from living with my father for the first time since I was 5 and learning about each other. Even more patience is required when I want so badly for him to see God the way I see him. I can get all wrapped up in how much fuller his life could be but then I have to stop myself. It's not my timing. It's Gods. What do we do while we wait? Do I try to bring Jesus up as much as possible? Or do I back off? Anyone familiar with the blank stare? You know, you start telling a story about something valuable in your life and the person listening just cannot relate at all. Has no earthly clue why that would mean something to you or what you're really talking about. I know I gave the blank stare my first few times in church. I didn't know the words to the worship songs and I didn't know just how I was supposed to act, still don't sometimes. Lately I feel like i'm sitting in a room of blank stares. I'm surrounded by people who don't really seem to know the Lord. If they do, it's not verbalized and I don't really know. Yes, this is a really exciting opportunity. God could really use me and shine his light through me. Or he could not... depends on his timing. But not having fellowship is also requiring a lot of patience. I feel like God's had me in a desert for a few months now... just me and him. And yes, it is GREAT! But sometimes I want a real, Godly woman to bounce my ideas off of. Someone to check on me and hold me accountable and wish that I would do the same for them. The ones i've found are older and already have friends to lean on. I know, God is going to bless me with a friend sooner or later. No, i'm not a loser for not having tons of friends right now to go hang out with... i'm just looking at this as one on one time with the Lord. He's put me in such a position that there aren't many other places for me to look. I must look at him. Yes, I have a lovely boyfriend who is constantly listening to me and letting me know what he thinks. For that I am blessed and would be so lost if it weren't for him. But lately, along with Caleb's encouragement, I crave a female, someone who struggles the same way I struggle... who plays a similar role in the heart of God that I do. Just my thoughts lately... it's taken me a while to blog because I wanted to have a great message to portray but realized that I can just talk about what's going on. A walk with God isn't always a walk through a rose garden. It can be hard and messy. It can require you to pull your sleeves up and get to the heart of things. While I feel extremely far away from thats that I love, I am starting to draw nearer to the Lord who led me here in the first place. I'm excited to see what he wants to teach me... all in his timing of course.

Let me cling to You...

One of the hardest things to let go is relationships. Whether it be your best friend, your boy friend, your sibling, or even your dad. It's nearly impossible to just let it go on your own will. Sure, you can build a wall up against that person and keep your grudges tucked deep inside... but what does it take to let go of your hurt feelings and most importantly, your expectations. What happens when you hold someone up to a certain standard, SURE that they can fulfill it, and then they can't? You'll find most of the time that they usually won't ever fill that expectation. I hold on to it. I am hopeful that things will change. But they don't and my heart is broken every time. How to you pull together a friendship that has so painfully drifted apart? Do you watch it go or do you fight for it? What are the circumstances? At what point is enough enough? And how do you let go of the fact that for each grudge you hold against a person... they may be holding one right back at you. Right now my prayer is for God's encouragement in letting me believe in him and no one else. I feel alone and young, clueless really. But I am supposed to cling to God. I am supposed to know that he is near, especially when I hurt. So as the tears flow today and my heart cries out, I pray that God would be opening a wound so that he can fill it with the right medicine. We live in a fallen world and truly we need constant reminders. Selfishness is our biggest vice... how great it would be to live a life of selflessness, a life where you were the one asking the questions and getting to know one person after another. How great it would be to pour into someone by listening and loving instead of talking and intimidating. Sometimes letting go is in regards of distance. How do you let your other half reside miles and miles away? It's not that either has hurt the other, it's that for some time things have to be a bit makeshift. But how do I do that without hurting? Maybe God's plan is that I would hurt... that I would cry out... and that he would be the hero that saves me.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine

The past two days have given me a chance to get outside of my bubble just a tiny bit. By bubble I mean direct family. I've spent the last few weeks hunkered down with my immediate family, playing with my little sisters and growing closer to my mom. Yesterday we headed out to Ohio- just my mom, youngest sister and I. And boy is it different! Tucked away in a little city in Ohio we aren't expected to be posed. We are expected to have heart. Coming from a city where everything is supposed to look polished I am not used to the acceptance that a relaxing day can bring. I am also given insight into great diversity. I often dream of diversity... how unique everyone is in their foreign countries... but I never dream of how unique each person in my family is. I find myself longing to have conversations with those I know are christians, just wanting someone to talk to about all of this. I also find myself longing to bring it up with those who don't know the Lord personally, hoping to save some sweet and precious soul in my family. And then I realize what God has called us to do.

"That is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation."
2 Corinthians 5:19

Why is it so difficult to reach out to the people dearest to my heart? Of course it spurs from a huge fear of rejection, led on by the devil. A lot of it also comes from doubt in who I am as a christian, not wanting to be hypocritical or judgmental. These are all good, GREAT people who have a ton of heart. I just am not sure that the Lord is important to all of them... so when will I be able to look those that I love the most in the eye and share the gospel? When will I be brave enough to talk about the Lord to my grand parents who have undoubtedly heard the word and decided against it? My only answer is when God equips me in his timing. It requires trust and it requires handing my reputation over to God. It frustrates me, not being able to openly talk about my father the way I want to. But I would rather wait until the Lord fills me with his words than try to force a conversation that would only push them further away. Until then I can only hope that the light that the Lord may shine through me would shine on them and cause them to look his way.

Jesus wants you to know...

Here’s what Jesus wants you to know:

You are my beloved. (Eph. 5:1)
I knew you before you were born. As my hands formed you, I whispered purpose into your bones. I can’t not love you. (Ps. 139:1-6)
I love you beyond human reason—even at your very worst, steeped in sin. (Rom. 5:8)
My love is contrary to all you know of “love.” I Love you “even though” and “deeper still.” My love reaches, pursues, remains. (Ps. 36:5)
My Love for you won’t walk out, fail, or ever come to an end. (Deut. 31:8)
No matter what you’ve heard or what you’ve come to believe, there’s nothing that can separate you from my Love. (Rom. 8:38-39)
I am not like people. So please—don’t put human words in my mouth or apply human behaviors to my character. You will miss me altogether. (Isaiah 55:8)
I’ve never ignored you. I’ve been here all along. Protecting. Loving. Waiting. (Ps. 56:8)
Your love of _____ (sin) isn’t worth eternity. I will break your chains. I will give you the desires of your heart. (Jn. 8:32, Ps. 37:4)
Please forgive some of my followers. People—even Christian people—will fail you. You live in a fallen land, where no one is perfect and all need My grace. Put your faith and trust in Me alone. (Psalm 146:3)
There’s no sin I will not forgive. You are the “whosoever believes in me” whom I will give eternal life . . . if you believe. (John 3:16)
As resourceful and brilliant as you are, you cannot save yourself. It’s by God’s grace and faith in Me alone that you are saved. (Eph 2:8-9)
I understand your pain and heartbreak. And my heart breaks with you. (Is. 53:3)
There’s nowhere you can go where my Love won’t find you. (Psalm 139:7-8)
The shame and guilt weighs you down has been taken care of on the cross. Your bill has been zeroed out. (John 3:16)
The addictions. The pride. The selfishness. The hate. The lust. The jealousy. The critical spirit. The greed. I can heal it. All of it. You can start fresh. Today. (Rom. 8:1-4)
I will forgive you. But only if you ask. And I care more about the “ask” than I do about the sin. (Acts 3:19)
I will not force you to do or be anything. I want a relationship with you more than I want to rule over you. (Jeremiah 31:3)
I will forgive your sin and I will forget it. That’s right—completely erase it from my mind. No replays, no record. Gone. (Ps. 103:12)
It’s never too late to turn your life around. I came to give second chances. (Luke 23:42-43)
I love you. Let’s talk. (Jer. 29:13)


I got this from my brother and think it's just amazing!

To Be Enchanting

Every girl longs to be enchanting. From the way she dresses up in her mom's old clothes as a young girl to the way she fixes her make up just right as a teenager to be lovely to somebody. I have a whole lot of women in my life who are great role models on how to succeed in this world. But when I look to my inner little girl I see a different kind of hero. Let me show you.

Meet the DREAM team. Laugh all you want, but these young women shaped my idea of who an enchanting woman should be as I grew up. First of all, they are just lovely. They are alluring and inviting. Secondly, they all long to be cherished. There is not a single one of them who has a full, happy heart. They all seek to fill their void with a prince charming. This is where I insert God as my prince charming. Growing up I could never find the answer to my questions... am I lovely? Does someone delight in me? To me, actions spoke louder than words and there didn't seem to be a father man enough to step in and say "yes, you are enchanting." This hole in me cried out every day, seemingly growing bigger and bigger in my heart as I searched to fill it up, make it stop hurting. But then I learned a few things about our all wonderful Lord.

1. He is my daddy.
2. "So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27
3. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 1309:13)

How can we even doubt that we are cherished? Can we really doubt whether or not we are lovely? The God of the universe hand picked you and I. Before we were to even walk on this earth he put us together, every detail down to the strokes of color that make our eyes unique and the tones in our laughter that set us apart. The same God that created mountains covered with snow, valleys flourishing with wild flowers, and volcanoes bubbling with lava created each of us uniquely in his image. Will your heart believe that? We are delighted in.

So I leave you with something to ponder. If the God of this universe created us perfectly in his image, did he not also create a holy and good purpose for us? We can either continue to search for things to fill the hole in our heart, only giving us temporary satisfaction, or we can let him in and experience his pure love and purpose for our lives.

Breakfast Buddy

Day two of my blog.... Today I started my day with a good time with God, laying out all of my worries. Taking an online class has made me a bit uneasy lately so i've been learning to constantly hand it over to God. I cracked open my laptop, got all my notes out, even had a tutor with me! I was ready to tackle my math tasks at hand. The ones due tonight at midnight. It was 10:30 a.m., I was ahead of the game! Sure enough, right as I opened the first assignment the internet kicked me off. What does this mean? I became completely blocked from this assignment. Without finishing this assignment, I cannot finish any of my other assignments, all of them due today. A very stressful event, yes. But as I sat back and stared at the computer screen, facing rejection from an online math class and wondering what to do next, I started to feel a peace in my heart. The stress started slowly seeping out of me and I was filled with this assurance that God would handle it. This is very unusual for me. My normal reaction is to full on panic, talk about it incessantly all day, and wait with baited breath for the professor to email me back with a solution. But not today! No, the problem still isn't fixed, but I think God prepared me for this ahead of time. He listened to me tell him about math and why it was worrying me so much and in my imagination I can feel him patting me on the back and saying it's going to be okay. It's a reassurance that only he can give, that's for sure. It causes me to wonder how different my days would be if I woke up and just laid everything out for the Lord. What if I offered him everything I have every morning? What would my days look like? This sounds like a simple task... just takes some discipline. But really it takes the heart, and that's where I would like my heart to be. Is it possible to make God my daily breakfast buddy? How close could we get if we met every morning to discuss the trials and joys ahead of us on that particular day, taking it 24 hours at a time?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." Matthew 11:28-30

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34


I still really don't like math.

The Desert

Sometimes we go through deserts. Never been to a desert? Picture this with me. Picture an endless horizon of bright, hot sand. Not an inkling of civilization in sight. Okay, now imagine trudging through this desert alone. Left, right, left, right, one foot after another in hopes of reaching the water. Some poor souls don't know if the water will come. Then there are the lucky few who believe in the source of water. The desert that I just imagined has dwelled in my heart many times. It's my spiritual desert, maybe you can understand. It's that time of life where God just isn't in sight. His work is not prevalent in every day footsteps and sometimes the walk gets so unbearable you just want to drop down on your knees and quit. But then there's the water, ah, the living water. John 7:38- "Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, 'Rivers of living water will flow from his heart'"In my experience and my faith the Lord found me in that desert, and sure enough he brought water to quench the cravings of my soul. And looking back, the desert challenged me and strengthened me daily. To have faith without the ability to physically see what you are believing in is an incredible and rare thing. To me, it's what makes Christianity so beautiful. It has that mystical feel, you know, that feeling you got as a child when you lost a tooth and gently placed it under the pillow, knowing, desperately hoping that the tooth fairy would come reward you for that tooth. Or maybe for you it was the anticipation of Santa. Being tucked into bed, 3 hours after bed time, just waiting to hear the footsteps of the jolly ol' fella. My scheme never worked. I always fell asleep before he got to my house. But I still believed with all of my heart. The kids at school told me to quit buying into it, santa wasn't real! But oh he was to me. Still is in my heart of hearts! And that's where the Lord resides in our hearts. He forever works in us, even when we can't feel him. It seems that the Lord delights in faith. Matthew 21:21- "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea', and it will be done'"

From scratch

My new blog! How excited am I to get started! Excited, but a bit nervous too. The purpose of this blog is to record a friendship with God... a daily struggle and a daily blessing. Why am I nervous? Because I feel like I have no unique thoughts to add to this world and no mind blowing statements to add to anyone's collection of little bits and pieces of life. But what I DO have is an honest relationship with God. At least, that is what I strive towards with my time on this earth. My quiet times, intentionally devoted to God, consist of a little blue journal that my Grandy gave me, a small brown and pink bible, and a few books to encourage me. The rest of my time consists of small and large reminders from God, showing me his many marvelous creations and what he created me to be... His servant. God is in the rapid flutter of a Hummingbirds wings as it gracefully sucks nectar out of a ruby red flower. God is in the rush of a water fall, roaring as it splashes the water below. God is in everything, really. You just have to look. You'll see. So this blog is all about discovering just where God is. In my life and in yours, whoever you are that has stumbled upon this little page.