Heavy Heart

I have a heavy heart. It was a long summer. During a 4 hour car ride full of phone conversations, cds, prayer and Texas heat I did a bit of deep thinking about my heavy heart and why I have it. I think i'm in a funk. In every aspect of my life. The frustrating thing about it is that in trying to get out of my funk i've been over analyzing every aspect about myself. Ranging from my personality to my relationship with God to my relationships with others, I am just so frustrated. I am a deep thinker. What that means is I am an over thinker and I torment my brain. My brother said to me today "You're free, you're always free, live like it". I think I forget that I'm free. I become a slave to school and work and what other people want. As a kid I would do something slightly wrong and put myself under the dining room table before I was even busted just to punish myself. Sadly, this still seems to ring true in my life. I don't know where this need to please came from. I want to suck up. I want to be as less of a person as possible to avoid hassling anyone else. All that results in is an empty stare to the people I come across. Instead of going out and telling people about God I have been hiding behind my own self. I am made up of about 99% guilt and it wears me down. Especially when it comes to my relationship with the Lord. See, I have this idea of what a relationship with God is supposed to look like. Sometimes that idea is extremely generic and when I'm not living up to my expectations I don't know what to do. At this moment I feel like i've lost my independence and freedom in God. I've given it up or misplaced it, i'm not sure. I just don't feel like me. Such an incredibly long summer full of motions and nothing else. The other frustrating thing about being a deep thinker is there really is always something going on. If all is well I think there must be something wrong. I know, irritating. I would hate me too. But lately I just haven't been able to crawl out of my hole. I haven't been able to stand up on my own two feet and shout. That's not who i've always been. Last summer I boarded an airplane to the Galapagos Islands by myself to go meet a group of strangers and explore. This summer the drive to Georgia, three states away from home, was enough to draw tears from my eyes and instill fear in my heart. Who AM I? Why am I letting myself become a mousy little girl without a voice? God? Hello? I am praying for my heart to loosen up. Where is my JOY? But I am also praying that I wouldn't think that I need to be somebody else. I tend to do that. I invite Jesus into my insecurities to wreak havoc. Get rid of it! If it's not about my body, it's about my heart. That's the Devil for ya. I know this isn't inspirational but atleast it's honest. A walk with God isn't always easy... I am blessed that he can take me through adventures with him that are very challenging to me. I am blessed that I hurt.

John 11:35--- "Jesus wept."

I pray that I will keep my walls down and keep weeping until Jesus shines his light on what is hurting me the most and release me.

I have a heavy heart.